Nia Dark and Lovely, a Black Escort in London

I had a conversation with an escort friend last week. At the end of the conversation, we both told each other how grateful we were, that we had each other.

I am aware that there a number of escorts out there, who do not meet other escorts at all. They feel that it is too risky, and I can appreciate that, from a damage limitation angle. However, I feel that it can be isolating, when you do not share this part of your life with family and friends.

This industry has a dark side some of which you can see on messageboards. I have read numerous threads were escorts who were close friends fall out on messageboards, and then start revealing personal information about each other, and bad mouth each other to mutual clients.

Some escorts have agendas, and cannot see things for what they are, or they may be angry as the English courtesan points out in this post.

It is important as an escort to pick your escort friends carefully, but there are no guarantees that you are safe.

I am grateful for the few escort friends I have made so far. It is great to share information, have a laugh, raise security issues, and just listen to what it is like .

Update

The Petulant Pooner has stopped blogging. He feels that it is time to move on. He was one of my daily reads, and I wish him well.

Have a good week.

Labels: Black escort, English courtesan, escorting, London, Thoughts

I have just finished reading Why zebras don't get ulcers by Robert Sapolsky

It is a must read, for anyone who is familiar with stress. Robert Sapolosky is a professor of Biology and Neurology at Stanford University.

The book is not a light read, but explains in detail how stress can cause a number of problems eg changes in female reproductive cycles, loss of erection, heart disease,ulcers, loss of sleep and memory. The book is accessible and entertaining.

I found of particular interest the chapters on: what your body does to adapt to an acute stressor,how different personalities respond to stress, and the links between socioeconomic status and stress.

I had a boss from hell last year, and handed in my resignation, as I was so stressed out. It was a total wake up call, when I became ill.It was frightening realising that it was stress related. My doctor told me that I was fortunate to contact him when I did, as I would have had major complications.

I try to minimize the stress in my life as much as I can,now. Ideally, I would like to be stress free.

*dream on*

Escorting can be stressful, the timewaster phonecalls, and difficult clients that an escort can encounter.

Blueslady in her comments in the Responsible Reviewing post says

When I have seen clients who have been forceful to the point of making me gag or made my eyes water, or just made me darned uncomfortable, I have used the medium of ladies warning boards to inform others.

Of course we always have the other option of bringing the booking to an early finish and therefore indicating to said client that his behaviour is unacceptable, but usually one just puts up with it and watches the clock knowing there will not be a repeat performance.

The book mentions different levels of fear alert: concern, deep dread, severe apprehension, near crippling fright, and pants-shitting terror.

I depend on my intuition, to assess clients who contact me. If I have a feeling of concern or fear at the email or phone stage, we will not meet. If I have the same feelings when we meet, I have walked out.

As Blueslady points out, sometimes an escort is concerned when she is with a client, and she has a number of options. She needs to assess what is the best thing to do for her, when this happens.

Fortunately, when I walked into a situation that could have left me in the crippling fright stage, I was able to remove myself, in minutes. This is when I went on an Outcall, and discovered more than one person there.

Labels: Black escort, books, escorting, stress

I am puzzled and bewildered. I get emails asking me for unblurred photos.

What are these men thinking?

As all my photos on my site are blurred.

Why would I send unblurred photos to a total stranger?

I am curious, could someone try and help me understand what the people who email me are thinking?

Mr Swot tends to only book escorts who have unblurred photos. He told me he took a huge risk with me.

I wonder why?

I guess if you have had a number of experiences where the person you see disappoints, it is safer to see someone who has unblurred photos.

Most of my clients say they come to see me, because my photos are blurred.

Labels: Black escort, Boundaries, clients, escorting, London, Photos, security

I got an email the other day, which may have been genuine. Someone wanted to book me for a friend to cheer him up. It was an Outcall.

Well, nice thought, but I would need to verify the person that I was visiting.

How would I do that if it was a surprise?

So the answer was no. If I am unable to screen a client, then I am not taking the booking.

It reminded me of an Outcall that I went on last year. I did my screening, and set off, it was an early morning call on a Sunday morning. I get there, and walk into the living room, and, wait for this, there are three guys there! Not one, not two, but three! I asked the guy who booked me why the other guys were there, and he claimed they wanted to watch. Yeah, right!

The client paid me my fee,which I left on the table. I said I needed to let my cab know, how long I would be, and I was out of there.

Fortunately, there are a number of people who know where I am when I see clients, and who will call me, or call the police if I do not check in with them by a certain time.

Labels: Black escort, escorting, security

I had a conversation with a friend yesterday who felt really guilty about how he earned his living. His job involves him helping out people who have problems, and he said that he felt really bad, knowing he was making money out of anothers misery.My friend is self employed, and felt that if he worked for Social services he would feel less guilty.

It got me thinking, as I do, about escorting. I know that some of my clients come to see me, because they cannot get what they want at home.Some clients have partners who are terminally ill, or their partners have stopped having sex with them altogether. Some can get what they want at home, but want variety. Some want a warm body, a hug, and some just want to talk nonstop.

I do not feel that I am profiting financially from the misery of others, because not all my clients are in miserable situations. I do enjoy escorting at times.I am left feeling entertained, relaxed and appreciated with some clients; and frustrated, insulted and threatened by others.

Getting back to the money. It is not up to me to decide whether a date with me is worth the going rate: that is my client's choice. I only have encounters with clients who have determined, that the time and money they spend with me is worth it to them.

For any campaigners in the UK, I came across this yesterday.

Something that Glengarry brought up in his comments on my post yesterday, raises the question of how discreet some escorts are. I never call my clients unless they have given me permission to. I do not email either, unless they have let on that it is okay to do so.

I read on a messageboard a while back, that some escorts send clients texts saying they are free, and would the clients like to make a booking.The clients said they would never book these escorts again, because of their lack of discretion. Texting or calling someone out of the blue, not knowing who they are with could be fatal, as Glengarry points out.

I do worry about regulars who I have not seen for a long while. Yes, they could be ill or dead, but I would never call to check. I do not feel that it is appropriate for me to make contact, without permission.

Labels: Black escort, discretion, escorting, Guilt

I find that the majority of the escorts and clients that I know, do not tell friends, partners or employers about this aspect of their lives.

We all have different reasons. Some clients will never admit to another soul that they have paid for it.

I would not tell my mother, coming from good Catholic stock, being honest would cause emotional pain, and would kill her.

Can we be accused of lying when we have never been asked the questions?

I read Compartments post yesterday. She feels that it is the social stigma that makes it so much bigger for all of us.

I agree with her, and also think that escorts are a safety valve. A client sent me an email, last week, and said keep up the good work. I asked him what he was talking about, and he said, that if he did not come to see me, he would be after his colleagues, or relatives. So, I prevented him from straying into areas that could be dangerous for him. I need to hold onto what he said, at all times.

Have a good week.

Labels: Black escort, Compartments, escorting, Friction, Stigma

I sometimes feel that I would prefer all my clients to be regulars. They are loyal. Purely, from a psychological perspective, it is easier for me to deal with regulars. However, I find that occasionally the boundaries do get blurred. Guys sometimes want that bit more, and it is not possible. It becomes awkward as these are people that I have been seeing for a while, and I have to be quite sensitive as to how I spell out what is and is not likely to happen. I admit that over time, I lower my defenses which I feel is inevitable, but can be problematic.

I had two regulars last year, who tried to pull a fast one on me. I was stunned.

Should I have expected this?

They are on my blacklist.

I am aware that there are some regulars who if I met them in another context, I would spend time with. I think it can be a challenge to work within this framework, without being labelled as cold, a clock watcher or just in it for the money.

Trying to keep the relationship commercial is tricky. Some guys I meet feel that it is personal, and the thing is, people that I have personal relationships with do not pay me. The relationship with a client is intimate, two people relating to each other. At some point, someone may tend to see things for more than what they are.

I have had clients who helped me out with advice on certain things, and have refused payment. There has been no expectation that I pay them in kind.

I do give my regulars more leeway than non regulars.

I know that some escorts get round this problem by stating that they will only see regular clients for a limited number of times, which I think is a sensible policy.Escorts are entitled to set rules that fit, for them.

I had a conversation about this with a friend who is a male escort and he felt that there were two kinds of regulars.

Static regulars who know what they want, never change, are loyal and you want to keep forever; and who are accordingly very rare.

Escalating regulars who start out as a good thing but either end up wanting you to move in with them (so they can look after you) or who meet you at the door one day brandishing a riding crop and saying

"I thought we would do a bit of spanking! You do not mind if I come in your eyes after I have leathered you, do you?"

who are more common, but finite, and who someone you thought was a static may suddenly metamorphose into an escalating at any moment.

I can identify with my friend's view. Suddenly an expectation that I will provide something that is not on offer. A sudden need for me to take an A level exam when I have no interest in that whatsoever. A client once said to me

" But you do that with your boyfriend, so why not with me ?"

My response " I don't think so honey." I spared him the long spiel of how he could never be my boyfriend.

Bringing the conversation back into the here and now, remember why we are here, some clients find difficult to take on board.

I love my regulars but someone has to maintain a business framework, and deal with expectations (realistic or not) and implement the boundaries with kindness and respect.

Labels: Black escort, Escort Blacklist, escorting, London, Regulars

Thank you for all your comments, and emails on the guilt post yesterday. Wow, what a reaction guilt raises.

Maybe we should think of setting up a virtual support group for lapsed Catholics?

I feel there is a need out there.

The majority of my clients are married men. Some of them have to plan in advance to see me. Trying to find a time when the wifey is away, or out shopping. Sometimes, a client will call and apologise that he has not been able to see me for a while, because he has not been able to escape. I find it quite sweet when they ring and apologise. No apology needed, but sweet all the same.

It is such a build up for some clients, as they cannot get to see escorts regularly, and it may be that they are seeing me once every three or four months.

I realise that when they put so much effort into it, what it must be like when it all goes terribly wrong. You book someone for the first time, and she is nothing like what you expected, or not the person that you saw on the website.

What does that feel like,when you have planned so far in advance?

The only thing I can compare it to, is when I go on holiday and stay in a hotel that I have never been to before, and it is awful.I like nothing to go wrong when I am on holiday. Fortunately, it has only happened to me once, and I was able to check out, and upgrade to somewhere that was more suited to my needs.I think when you want to treat yourself to something special and it does not meet up to your expectations, it can be a major disappointment.

It reminds me of some previous relationships that I had, before I started escorting. I have been out with some players in my time. I was always the one who was faithful, and then decided, that I would two time, and see what it felt like. It was stressful, with all the lies that I had to tell, and really draining. I just do not know how people who cheat do it. I know that I was struggling to have my tracks covered at all times, but then both my partners were in the same city.When both guys found out, I was the one in the wrong, despite them having cheated on me.

Where is the justice in that?

It reminds me of something that I saw on the news last night, an Afghani married woman was raped by her landlord. She was imprisoned for adultery, yet she was raped by a stranger.

Is this right and fair?

I know it is different when you book an escort, because you can arrange it in such a way that you meet at a place where your partner is unlikely to see you. Although I have heard of clients being spotted by their partner's friends.

What a tangled web we weave.

Have a good weekend.

Labels: Advance booking, Black escort, escorting, Thoughts

What does this mean?

Is she an Ice queen?

Is it about an escort keeping within her boundaries?

There is a section in

Live sex acts by Wendy Chapkis

One of the sex workers, describes the boundaries that doctors, firefighters, psychiatrists need to keep in place, to do their work. Her view is that as an escort if you do this, it is somehow not acceptable, or your clients do not like it.

This is from

Sex work writings by women in the sex industry by Delacoste and Alexander


Peggy morgan an exotic dancer says

"The macho insecure types need more. On some level they know what a great equalizer prostitution is, and they are not satisfied with a simple business transaction. Not only do we have to work at getting them off and making them feel good, but we have to put up with their clumsy, grubby hands pawing our bodies-and pretend to enjoy it. It is not that these customers really want to please a woman-most of the time these are the same ones who will argue about money or make a fuss about having to pay up front. They simply want to feel power over the whore, who is by implication of her class and gender someone beneath them."

It is difficult to gauge what each individual client wants or needs, as I have raised in the guessing game.

Some clients want some conversation, and want you to be friendly, and some clients want to get down to action as soon as possible.

I had a client who did not want me to say a word, when we met. He cringed any time, I spoke. The conversation consisted of a few words, hello, thank you, and directions to the bathroom.

It felt really weird initially, as he was someone that I saw frequently, and I usually ask clients how they have been. Some small talk is necessary, for me. However, after a while it did not matter. He was a lonely man, who lacked social skills, and never initiated any conversation, and clearly did not want any.

It is so tricky, because if you are chatty, you can be accused of talking too much, and wasting valuable time, and if you say nothing, you risk being labelled as too professional. The other disadvantage around being friendly, is a client picking up the wrong signals, and believing that there is more to the relationship.

There have been debates about some of these clients on other messageboards.The men who want action asap, who are also known as men who want you to meet them with your knickers round your ankles . Or they are also known as men who just want to empty their tanks, and are usually advised by women on other boards to go to brothels.

So what is too professional in your view?

Or

What is it for an escort to be unprofessional?

I have just come across this on another messageboard. I tend to check my email at work.

Does anyone have any infomation on the legal position in the UK?

Labels: Black escort, books, escorting, Professionalism, security

Unlike any other job, you have to be who your clients want you to be. It is all part of the fantasy. It can get very tricky.

I am someone who tends to go with the flow. However, I think some clients expect you to be a mind reader. I am not opposed to any client telling me what they want. Some do, and send emails prior to a meeting, explaining in great detail how they would like things to be.

I read something on a messageboard recently where a client was offended that an escort had asked him what he liked, at the start of the meeting. I know some escorts who do this, too. He found it awkward. I can appreciate that. People are different, and just because an escort is an escort, does not mean that she will know what each client wants. We are not mindreaders.

Or are we supposed to be?

If I think of some of the work settings that I have been in,elsewhere. When I meet potential clients, I give them some background about myself, and then tell them about how I work. So if they have any misconceptions, they can either go somewhere else, or we can look at how we can work together.

When I go to my hairdresser, and I am having my hair coloured or cut, I sometimes leave it in her hands, as I tend to be happy with the end product normally,or I tell her what I would like.

I know it can be awkward for some clients. They do not want to discuss anything at all, and I must confess I feel the same, at times. However, when you read the messageboards, or some of the reviews, clients say that the escort was not value for money, or not what they expected. I wonder whether in these cases the client made their expectations clear to the escort.

Talking about it can work against you. On Captain 69 there is a criteria for reviewers where you mark whether you forgot you were with an escort.

A funny old world, with no defined roles! I will continue to attempt to figure out what everybody wants from me.

Or maybe someone out there can enlighten me?

I have to dash, or someone is not going to be too happy with me this morning. Have a good weekend!

Labels: Black escort, Captain69, escorting, Thoughts

Well, it really depends on the individual client. The nature of the work, is that you never know what a client will be like, until he arrives. I feel that some of what I provide could be considered as nurturing, positive or even therapeutic.

There are some things that I am happy to do, and others that I am not. I am not happy to do anything that will cause me physical harm, endanger my health, or something that I find repulsive. The market is saturated in London, and there are lots of escorts who are willing to do all sorts of things.

I struggle when I read some escorts attack other escorts because of the services they provide. My view is, as long as they are comfortable with what they are doing, are aware of the risks involved, and it is consensual, then that is their business. What I resent is clients who do X with these escorts, and then expect the same from every escort that they encounter.

I have met four clients this year who asked me for something that I felt was totally unacceptable. I am shocked each time the question is posed.

What do these four men have in common?

They are all married,educated, White males over 40, who frankly should know better. The result is that, these are individuals that I will never come in contact with again. They are on my blacklist, and are considered high risk.

I think that things have changed in the last ten years, and before it was not unusual for escorts not to kiss, as they felt it was too intimate. I think with the numbers of escorts available in London now, some escorts feel they need to offer things that previously were not an option, to remain competitive.

I find this sad, but it is their choice. This applies to some agencies as well, who will only take on escorts if they provide a range of services. If the escort is not willing to provide what the agency believes to be in demand, then they are not likely to get work. Things begin to get murky, when an escort does not advertise certain services, but offers those services to certain clients. Those clients then write reviews, stating that they were provided with X, and the escort is then having to either deny she provides X, or explain that it is only offered to the chosen few.

I am aware that the greater an escort's economic desperation, the less likely they are able to turn down a client's requests.

Some people say that it is all about the money. Well, no amount of money can give a client a licence to do what they want with me.

Labels: Black escort, escorting, London, My thoughts on what I do

I am amazed when I hear that some escorts get upset when their clients see other girls. In some cases, they have stopped seeing the client, as they were offended that he went elsewhere.I think this response is disproportionate.They feel that their clients are disloyal.

What is that about?

This is a classic case of blurring the boundaries.

Men like variety. I have no expectations that any of my clients should see me, and only me. If anything, I actively encourage the men who say they do not see anyone else, to try someone else.

The other thing that I have heard, is some escorts taking offence, as they discover that their clients have seen someone who they feel, is not in their league. The escort hierarchy raises its ugly head, yes it exists.

I accept it is bad manners when you see a client, and he spends the entire time he is with you, discussing all of his escort encounters. Yes, some men do this, and I have experienced it.

If I found out that any of my clients saw streetworkers , I would not be offended. I think I would be fascinated by the different choices that they make. I would not take it personally.

Some clients do not want to upset some of their regular escorts, and use different handles to write reviews, so that the escort will not pick up that they have seen someone else.

It can become so complex for some escorts who are checking the review sites, and feel that their clients are being disloyal, by the style that they have written reviews for other escorts. The comparison issue.

I just want to say to any women who may feel this way, try and chill out. The thing is, if you let it affect you, you will find yourself becoming frustrated a lot of the time. What a client does when he is not with me, is his business. If a regular stops seeing me, after a while, that is not a big issue. Clients will always come and go.

How can I ever expect to have ownership over a client?

The other side of it, is clients who are regulars who want to know how many clients I have seen in a week. This question is inappropriate. I feel that it would be appropriate, if the person asking the question was my pimp, or manager. As I am independent, it is not.

The question that usually follows this, is a client expressing discomfort around the fact that I see other clients.

Hellooooooooooooooooo!

If you want exclusivity, then arrangements can be made. Other than that, you know what the deal is from the start.

Life will be stressful, if you only are able to see things for what you would like them to be; rather than for what they are.

I am not suggesting that you cannot have these feelings. My thoughts are more along the lines of how people who feel this way, manage their anxiety/disappointment.

Labels: Black escort, Boundaries, escorting

What a beautiful day it is today. If only it were a bit warmer.

I do not understand why men call up and say they want details. I raised this issue last year on the Punternet message board which is now defunct.

What response do you want?

I can appreciate that the response will vary with each individual.

Most of the information that I am asked for, is already on my website.

What is the thinking behind calling and asking for questions that are already on my website?

I have heard all the arguments for this.

Some men say they just had a quick glance at the site, and took down the number. They want to sound you out over the telephone. They want to know what to expect. Well that is covered in the reviews fully, and if you do not see what you are looking for, then take it, that it is not available.

I had a conversation with someone a while ago. He was unable to elicit a certain type of response from me. The conversation went along these lines.

"Do you Provide X?"
"Yup."
"Really?"
"Yup." I do not but was onto him.
"Do you see men who are Black,Asian or Oriental?"
"Yes." I wonder whether he is all three.
"Can I be rough with you?"
"Yup" Of course not, I am just playing along.
" I am 6ft 9in and well endowed, is that a problem?"
"No, all my boyfriends have been larger than you."

Surprise, surprise, the conversation ended suddenly. I think my last response rattled his concept of himself.

I am aware that there are genuine callers out there, wankers and timewasters. Yes, this all goes with the territory. I am not opposed to answering questions; however there are some questions that I will not answer. The details questions is one of them, and anyone who asks this question will be referred to my website.

I know some escorts have receptionists,or an answering service to deal with these types of callers.I think it is a good idea, and weeds out the timewasters, however I tend to like to know who I am talking to. I think the details question may be appropriate in a parlour, that may not have a site, where you can enquire who is working, stats, what is and is not provided.

Teela sanders

in her book says that " escorts start from a position of distrust until proven otherwise.She also mentions that an escort decides whether a client is genuine or not based on the information she observes or can further acquire."

There is a whole section on picking clients and she says that "escorts test their clients on the telephone.To leave the impression that they are trustworthy, callers must display a range of qualities in the initial telephone conversation. A straightforward approach, asking for an appointment without going into detail of the service or the price, is considered a genuine request. Polite language and a respectful tone suggest the caller is safe enough to move on to another stage."

I agree with all her points. This is my perspective based on my experiences. I do answer some questions, but definitely not the details question.

There is a discussion about this on the Punterlink forum for those of you who want to read more.

I do not seem to be the only one who has a problem with the way some clients ask me questions. I agree with Compartment's methods.

Labels: Black escort, escorting, Friction, London, Policies and Procedures, Punterlink, Punternet, Teela Sanders

I feel uncomfortable when clients start to tell me the reason why they use escorts, when we meet. It is one of the first things that is said, when we meet.

The reasons are so varied, and I feel I really do not need to know why my clients do, what they do.

My discomfort is around my clients possibly feeling, that they need to justify why they come to see me. I have been described as many things, but judgmental has never been one of them. So my response is usually, please, please do not feel you need to tell me this.

I am aware that there is a stigma out there, but I take individuals for who they are, and do not pigeonhole.

Labels: Black escort, escorting, Thoughts