Friday, December 15, 2006

Giving feedback

I got a letter from work(non escort related), and my heart sank. One of the women that I manage is due for an appraisal. She is fairly new, but has very low self-esteem. There are a number of issues that I need to raise with her, with regard to her areas of development. What worries me, is that whatever I say, she will not take it well.

For those of you who know me, I am sensitive to peoples emotions, and tend not to be hard hitting when I need to get a point across. Nevertheless, there comes a time when things need to be said.

I find it awkward when I see clients who have bad breath, or their personal hygiene leaves a lot to be desired. I offer all my clients a shower when they arrive. Some will say they have already had one. That is fine, but what some men do not realise, is that if they have been to the toilet since they had the shower, piss tends to linger on the penis, in some cases. I find this can be the case for men who are not circumcised, and it tends to be just under the foreskin,where you may find other bits too. It is hard when someone is insistent that they are clean, and you can see that they are not.

The breath issue, is problematic too. I tend to avoid kissing in these cases, because I start to feel ill.

I find it hard to raise the issue, although I have done, because of the fragile male ego. It could kill the whole experience for them, but then they are not going to have much fun with me if they are not clean. One of my friends tends to drink a lot of red wine, during the booking so that it kills any bad taste for her.

I have a number of friends who have no problem whatsoever raising the issue.

There are several ways of saying things:
"Would you like some mouthwash?"
"Do you really think I will give you a blow job when you smell like that?" (hard hitting but it has to be done).
"I think you need a shower."
"Your breath hit me as I opened the door, and if you want to kiss, you need to use the mouthwash". (not very polite, but he was insistent)

I know that hygiene can be a problem on both sides. I have read reviews where clients complained about escorts hygiene, but did not confront them. I guess they felt awkward too.

What do you say to clients or escorts who have these problems?


This is article by Catherine Bennett from the Guardian newspaper. She raises some interesting points.

Although detectives are unlikely, these days, to make regrettable comments about "innocent women", they are still happy to use the kerbcrawly, Punternet-approved term "working girls" to describe the Ipswich women. Is this usual practice? You do not hear them pubicly allude to "matey", say, or to "toerags", where other offenders are concerned.

Thus encouraged, the media have followed suit. Every-where in the past week, reporters referred to "working girls" - that is, when they were not describing the women as simply "girls" or "vice girls" or "hookers", as in the Mirror's "Hooker No 2 Found Dead", or "tarts", courtesy of the Telegraph's Simon Heffer.

Elsewhere, less festering, but still pointed, distinctions have repeatedly been drawn, between the state of these ruined, "destroyed", "pockmarked" losers, these specialists, in case you could forget, in "selling sex" and that of the more wholesome - and, you infer, more mournable - women they might have been. Curiously, for these women with no careers, the most significant thing about them is thought to be their careers. You would think they were Nicola Horlick, not prostitutes. But that they were prostitutes cannot be said often enough.

Only in the last couple of days was it revealed that the prostitutes left behind not just prostitute-shaped spaces, but bereaved children and friends, siblings and parents. One dead prostitute, it was mournfully pointed out, is survived by a sister "living a normal life", ie, not a prostitute.


The Ipswich killings have exposed attitudes to prostitutes that haven't progressed in centuries.

Have a good weekend.

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Comments:
Another killer post, excellent.

But what terminology does Ms. Bennett suggest the press uses? If it was just reported that some young women were killed at random, the story would be understood very differently and there would be wholesale panic.

The fact that the public knows they were prostitutes provides a measure of reassurance. This is not to say that the killer might not attack a non-prostitute next time, but at least other prostitutes have been put on the alert, and women who are not prostitutes will be wary of being approached by men when alone.
 
One of the women that I manage is due for an appraisal. She is fairly new, but has very low self-esteem. There are a number of issues that I need to raise with her, with regard to her areas of development. What worries me, is that whatever I say, she will not take it well.

Appraisal, done well, is not about judging other people. Decisions about areas for development should come jointly from the discussion.

If her work is unsatisfactory than this should have been raised earlier as part of your management function.

Try to get her to reflect on how things are going - what is going well and what not so well. You may find that she even raises some of the issues that you are worried about raising with her.

What preparation will be done before the meeting?

How will it be followed up?

What training have you both had about the appraisal process?

A good appraisal includes an entitlement for an employee to have their say about what support they need to enable them to do their job better and for plans to be made to provide that support.

An appraisal is not an excuse for an informal disciplinary meeting. - Though I recognise that is not what you intend!

B x
 
A trick to handle the breath issue is to have a supply of breath mints handy. Grab a couple. Pop one in your mouth and one at his mouth at the same time. If he willingly takes it, great, if not, then no kissing.
 
James,

Thank you. I have no idea what terminology MS Bennett is suggesting .

I assume that her observations, are based on the assumptions that are made when these labels are used.

Beau,

I think you may have missed my point. The woman that I mentioned has low self esteem. Any form of feedback will affect her. I am in no way out to judge her, just discuss her work, and her perception of it, and areas of development etc.

I have a collaborative relationship with all my staff.

There is a lot of preparation by both sides before the meeting, and it is followed up after a few weeks.

I have had appraisal training. The point I was trying to make was how sensitive I am to how fragile this individual is. Sadly, she needs to take on board that appraisal is inevitable, if she continues to work with us.

David,

Thank you for your comments.
 
Regarding the appraisal - I do see Nia that you are worried about how she will respond to feedback.

I suppose in my clumsy way I'm trying to suggest that the skill - and I acknowledge it is a difficult one - is in enabling her to become better at looking at her own performance in a rational way which will help her self esteem and your own need to make her aware of problems ...

I'm in a hole now ...

Best stop digging ...

B xx
 
More seriously - I've just read Catherine Bennett's article.

So true.

"Only in the last couple of days was it revealed that the prostitutes left behind not just prostitute-shaped spaces, but bereaved children and friends, siblings and parents. One dead prostitute, it was mournfully pointed out, is survived by a sister "living a normal life", ie, not a prostitute."

I have a strong dislike of the attitudes and moralising approaches in the British media. At least here is one article that tries to be even handed.

Possibly damaged young women have been killed recently. The way it is reported and the way their lives are judged ...

And the blame ...

The attitudes ...

To them ...

The place of men ...

They would not be on the streets if not for men.

Men who befriend them

Men who groom them

Men who give them presents

Men who get them into drugs

Men who give them drugs

Men who sell them dugs

Men who demand sex for drugs

Men who put them on the sreets for drugs

Men who put them on the streets for their own drugs

Men who pick them up off the streets

and do ...

and ...

and ...

because they are only street "whores"

not real people

or sisters, daughters, friends

and give them money

to buy more drugs

and treat them like ...

I have never picked up a woman off the street. I know at least two women who have worked on the streets in the past. They have both managed to make successful lives for themselves and have families of their own. Each of those poor women who have been killed had this potential also.

They were not just "working girls", "prostitutes" who got killed through their own fault. If there is fault it is of men.

They were women (NOT "girls") who still had potential.

I have met many women over the last few years who the media would describe as "prostitutes". I have met some very special women. Very strong women.

Women who should be valued much higher than the men, like me, who pay them for sex.

B x
 
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