Monday, August 04, 2008

Do I tell someone that I have a relationship with that I have been an escort

Chevalier has a thought provoking post, on whether you need to tell a potential partner that you have been an escort or a client.

The issues for me, are similar to what I raised in between you, me and the bedpost.

In an ideal world, my response would be yes. However, in my relationships outside this industry, the majority of my partners have not been able to deal with any information, about men that I have dated before them. They start off wanting the information, but further down the road, are insecure about what I have told them. I then regret having been open and honest.

A case of the fragile male ego. Theoretically they can handle it, but not in practice.

I have no problem not knowing about their past, I am interested in the here and now.If they choose to tell me about their past, that is fine. However, I don't feel it is essential, in order for us to have a relationship. Sometimes, the information is shared, naturally.

Given that none of my friends or family know that I am an escort, it is highly unlikely that I will tell a potential partner that I have been an escort.

My take on it is, that if a potential partner has visited escorts before he met me, that is his business.

Do I need to know?


I feel he does not need to know that I was an escort, as my experience is that most men I have had relationships with, cannot deal with the fact that I have slept with other men before them.

My policy in relationships, is that I don't need to know everything about my partner's past. I tend to deal with the here and now.

Some things are better left unsaid, and I am aware we all have skeletons in our closets.

That is how I operate.

Call me dishonest?

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No, it's not dishonest.

Telling all has been a bit of a theme of late.

I tend to agree with you here; tell when there is a NEED to know.

Telling the whole truth ALL the time can be hurtful. We don't do it to our kids so why do it to others you love?

Doing that kind of thing is for oneself not the other.

Selfish not selfless.

......and the male ego?......there are things I don't say to my wife to protect the fragile female version too LOL

You do run the risk of being found out, though, and if he is too fragile to accept your he the right one.

So I do think there may be a NEED to know at some point.

A conundrum.

Grumpy Old Man

Thank you for your comments.

I used to do the whole truth all the time, and it caused so many problems for me.

Lol@the fragile female ego.

I suppose I tend to attract, or am attracted to certain types of men.

My experience has shown me that bringing my escort past to the table, will not work.

I could be wrong.

It is not a worry at the moment, as I am not in a relationship. If I was, I would have retired.

Which bits of your past do you bring to the table?

I know which bits of your present you don't,lol.
I agree with GOM. It's not dishonest. Sometimes it's better to be economical with the truth to protect yourself as well as the other person. And to preserve some mystery about yourself, which can be very alluring. What's more, when you're starting a relationship the present and the future are far more important than the past.

Thank you for your comments. I agree with you. I have moved on from telling all. It doesn't work for me.
By not telling anything how can you be lying...??

This is difficult for me to comment on because I advocate not telling, but someone reasonably close to me knows what I do and has chosen not to judge me on it... but,... and this is a biggie... the 'job' never ever, ever, gets discussed in any way shape or form.

I would say do not tell. People do not understand. Things they can't get a handle on, having had no experience of this industry other than what they read and hear on the televison, are best left untouched. Scrape it under the carpet dear... :)

Thank you for your comments. Lol.

Yes, I guess it is lying,if you are asked and say something else. That is another story altogether.

As for the person close to you. I suppose never discussing it, is their way of dealing with it, maybe?

Or maybe they do not discuss lots of things, in which case it is not an issue, right?

Yup, I feel strongly that I cannot tell when that time comes. We think alike, as you know,lol.
My solution at the moment is not to date at all. By the way TAG, your it:
Thanks Friction,

Yes that is the easiest solution.
Nia, to answer you; I have only ever been in one meaningful wife of over thirty years.

We told each other everything and, at the time, I did have a problem with some of her past "loves".........I was very young though.

However, I did come to terms with it and am happy we both told all..........we were both very young.


I think I'd want to know if I was the guy........secrets within a relationship do develop as lives change and develop but to have them at the outset, I think, is creating a falsehood that is immediately saying "I don't think you can handle this"; I'd feel insulted if ever I found out that a partner thought that and had hidden it.......and if you are saying that at the outset!!! it the right person?

Very, very difficult.

Grumpy Old Man

It is difficult. If I could guarantee that everything would be okay, if and when I told, I would.

I think some men think they can handle it, but when they have to deal with it, it is another story.

If it is part of my past, and I have no reason to know about their past, then why bother?

I see where you are coming from, however as I said before, the men I meet do not think along the lines that you do.
Nia; being in love with someone is being in love with all of them.......including their past.

My wife did tell me things that, using your logic, many wouldn't have told. Some not so nice. As a young man I found it hard to accept but once I did I knew I could trust her. I told her my secrets too.

At the beginning of a relationship I think you need to be honest; the beginning is the foundation.

If honesty isn't there at the beinning you already have doubts don't you?

So, thinking on this I'd want to know......even if it was difficult.........and as long as it was the past too LOL

Fortunately for me I'm unlikely to be tested.

Grumpy Old Man

Do you recognise that not everybody sees things the way you do???

I do not believe in telling all my secrets ,to a potential partner. I also have no expectations that they tell me their secrets. That is how I feel.

I also would not feel that a potential partner is being dishonest if they did not tell me everything about them, before they met me.

I don't need that information. It is irrelevant as far as I am concerned. That is private, as far as I am concerned.

If a potential partner wanted to know everything about me, or insisted on knowing everything about me, it would concern me.

This is slightly off topic, but I have friends who have had to burn old photos of boyfriends, as their partners feel insecure, and feel they are being dishonest.

I can see what works for you, but your strategy would not work for me, and I do not feel I am being dishonest.
Nia; Of course I recognise that others will see things differently.

....and I don't think "not telling" is being dishonest because, as I see it, the motives are honourable.

I'm just saying how I "might" prefer it.

Honesty laid a good foundation for my marriage.

However, as time progresses I think all relationships acquire secrets. Ours did. You keep something back for the best of motives but, if you are not careful, it becomes a habit.

I just think that starting off with important parts of your life hidden gives a poorer chance of long term success as a kind of precedence of secrecy is already being laid.

I make no claim to having the answer I am typing in secrecy LOL

Grumpy Old Man

aka Mr typing in secrecy.ROFLMAO. I love it.

I know what I would prefer in an ideal world. But sadly, the world is not as I would like it to be.

Honesty worked for you, and laid a good foundation for your marriage. I wish that could be applied across the board. I think you were lucky.
I don't think that a sex worker (current or former) needs to prostrate herself before her new love, and beg for forgiveness for the decisions she's made in her life. However, I do think that it is pretty dishonest not to reveal your past - no matter what that is.

By hiding whatever your past has been from a new partner, you are, in my opinion, hiding a part of yourself. It's not true to say that it's only the "here and now" that matters, because the past has shaped the "here and now", making you the person that you are currently.

On the other hand, though, yes, it is true that some men's egos are far too fragile to handle the truth. For the most part, though, my former boyfriends (with the flagrant exception of one who was a total cunt about it all) have handled it well. They could accept the fact that I had worked as an escort as long as I wasn't doing it while I was with them.

My current boyfriend even knows that I am working as an erotic masseuse at the moment, and is OK with this - for the time being, anyway.

I really do believe that the right guy will always attempt to understand your past without judging you for it. In fact, I even wrote a short article for Scotland's "The Skinny Mag" about this very topic:
Slutty Mcwhore,

Thank you for stopping by.

I suppose I do not see not telling my potential partner everything (the past) about me, as dishonest.

It is clear that we have different views on what is and is not dishonest.

Yes my past has shaped me, however I choose what I want to share with a potential partner.

The fact that I choose not to share certain experiences with a potential partner, I do not see as being dishonest.

I look at whether he needs to know, and whether it will be helpful to him to know that information.

I believe there are certain things that I can choose to keep to myself; and do not see that is being dishonest.

I guess if you have a bare all approach to relationships, then that would not work.

I know it works for some people, and I have seen it go terribly wrong for others.

As I said before, I don't need to know everything about a person that I am involved with.

I acknowledge that it is very different for you in your relationships.

I know what works for me, and what has not worked for me in the past.
Fair enough, Nia. I guess this means that if I ever move back to the UK and suddenly become a lesbian that you and won't be able to date! ;-)
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