Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Does having to pay for it reflect something lacking in society

The issue of sexuality and disability is in the main brushed under the carpet. Some of my carers have been visibly embarrassed when sex has been mentioned or shown on a TV programme we have watched together. The general public do not view disabled people as sexual beings and many professionals and family members who are too uncomfortable to address this issue openly share this attitude. Strangely, talking to people - especially parents and carers - about death and dying may be easier than talking to them about sex.

Since I was 13 I have spent weekends at Helen House, a children's hospice in Oxford, and more recently Douglas House, a hospice for young adults. In 2004, when I was 20, I decided to broach the subject with one of the doctors whom I had known from the outset and whom I trusted. I was already aware that other people with disabilities used, for want of a better word, prostitutes, or more politely, sex workers. Although I had always hoped that sex would be just one part of a close relationship, I began to accept that this might not happen for me. I wanted to know what sex was like even if this meant that I had to pay someone. I know that this is not how everyone feels. Certainly my parents, while respecting my independence and right to decide for myself, had reservations and concerns. I understood this but was not to be swayed. I began to feel that I had the right to this experience and that, since I had the ability to see it through, I should persist.

After mulling things over, I felt I had already attempted to form relationships without success and firmly decided that I wished to experience sex without fear of rejection or the possibility of spoiling an existing friendship. With the help and friendship of Chris, one of the care team at Douglas House, I knew that the practicalities would be covered. We researched possibilities online so that matters such as cost and the suitability of the person could be ascertained. Although this sounds clinical I felt that I had to ensure I had done everything to achieve my aims.

Just after I had completed my final exams at university last May, the appointment was made with K, as I will call her. Her train was late, which did not help my nerves. She turned out to be an intelligent and pleasant woman, attractive, in her late 20s and unremarkable. She was warm and easy to talk to. She was likeable, and I guess that she was used to relating to nervous people as she put me at ease. I felt that she understood my situation and motivation. The two hours passed quickly and it was, you may say, satisfactory. She left when her taxi arrived and we said, as people do, "See you again".

Looking back, I am pleased I had the tenacity and commitment to see it through. The experience, while not emotionally fulfilling, gave me confidence and a sense that I was not missing out. I did not have unrealistically high expectations and perhaps in this respect I was luckier than some of my friends who found their first experience disappointing. I regret that I couldn't be like everyone else and share a first sexual relationship with someone I knew and loved, and part of me feels that having to resort to paying a woman for sex reflects something lacking in society, not least because I know that some people disapproved of my actions. Although my family have supported my choices, I know they would have preferred me not to do this, or perhaps not to be in a situation where I felt this was my only option. I know many are likely to consider it immoral, believing that sex is only acceptable in a relationship of love and equality.

I do not think I will necessarily choose to repeat the experience, although I have not ruled it out. Sexuality is more than just sex: it is about feeling attractive and attracted to others without feeling guilty or peculiar about something that is intrinsically part of being human. A cliche, I know, but it is about feeling comfortable in your own skin. My experience taught me a lot and gave me a sense of normality to a degree. It also helped me to realise that I could make things happen if I really wanted them enough. But it did not give me what I most want. I continue to hope that I may be able to establish a relationship with the right person. The same as any other "dude", as my older brother Tom would say, I want to be able to hold hands with someone, to love and be loved.

Here is the full article My lifelong desire by Nick Wallis for the Guardian newspaper.

Does having to pay for it reflect something lacking in society ?

Here is a very open and honest account from James B Logwriter. He says that men actually turn to prostitutes in the hope of rediscovering their potency and virility that they have lost in their marriages. When it works they feel like million dollars again, but unfortunately the new potency is rarely transferrable to the wife. Chemical, viagra-based potency, on the other hand, is the greatest marital aid known to man and woman, because it enables a man to have sex with a woman he can't stand the sight of.

He thinks Prostitution is the new cure for impotence, helped with Viagra !

My only concern with Viagra, is the fear that a client will have a heart attack. Some clients take it together with a concotion of other medication, and it does have its side effects.

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I could not disagree with JBL more strongly.

The notion of striving to reclaim lost potency is a sham, concocted in a lame attempt to rationalize the lack of integrity required for a married man to visit prostitutes.

Women have a similar device that they have used to justify their infidelity since the Sexual Revolution -- that they stray from their marriages in search of their true identity or to satisfy some vague emotional need that their marriages do not fulfill. This is rubbish.

Perhaps this works for women -- at least insofar as gaining the sympathy of other women -- but for men of character there is no substitute for genuine honor.

JBL's theory does little more than seek permission to do the impermissible. A man who is willing to subscribe to such a belief should turn in his gonads, because he isn't fit to wear them with pride.
I can only speak for my own motivations, but the reason for "turning" to prostitutes, I'm certain, varies greatly.

Myself, I was a young, shy, nervous guy who'd had very little "natural" luck on his own with women, and being the impatient soul I was at the time, was growing ever convinced that my window of opportunity was closing. Being a virgin at age 19 was killing me emotionaly. My sex drive was growing stronger, not weaker.

It was not very far beyong my first paid experience that I began getting it on my own. And I'd say that my reasons for continuing to see escorts for some time afterwards was perhaps totally different than the reason I first did it. At the time of my first experience, I felt that something was wrong with me and that I had very little chance of having sex "naturally". Not unlike the gent in the article you quote from.

Thanks for your comments.

I am not sure about women having a similar device. If they stray from their marriages, can the need be vague?


Thanks for your comments.I guess your first encounter, helped you in future relationships with women.
Well, in some ways, the participation has damaged things. Intimacy issues. Hard to describe.
Another thing is: Due to the need for most to keep the activity secret, that means it often involves lying. Once one starts lying about things more often, it gets easier to lie about even more things. It's become a real issue for me (I believe)
When a man gets married, one assumes that he and his wife will have sex on a reasonably regular basis. In the family unit, it is the sex that separates the parents from the children and makes that relationship special.

When the sex breaks down for any number of reasons, this can be the turning point for a lot of men.

Some of these men can become bitter at having to pay for something they consider to be their right, and this extends to the ladies they see. Paying for it was never on the agenda you see... I personally hate seeing this kind of man. His distaste for me is purely financial, but perhaps also because I provide something he should be having at home, coupled with the fact that the sex with me is probably better !

Just a different slant on the subject.........

Thank you for your different slant!
There are a lot of different motives for this, and many of us probably don't consciously realize EVERYTHING that is driving us. Many of our motivations may be "unhealthy" and reflect something lacking in the person (rather than society) . . . not just the married guys.

What to do? Well, most of us should address those problems head-on and NOT visit escorts. We would be better off in a lot of ways. I haven't managed to make the break yet, but one day I will. It took me a couple of tries to quit smoking, from a three-pack-a-day habit of 10 years, but I did it. Should be able to quit this too. :-)

I totally disagree with Scarface here. I think loss of potency is the number one cause of marital problems and breakdowns, but that people do not like to talk about it, neither men nor women.

I speak from experience re loss of potency in marriage, though I did not use a prostitute myself while married, nor in fact until after the death of wife No. 3

Anyway, I had sex with three women yesterday and cannot say I am missing her too much.
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