Thursday, March 15, 2007

Not in my backyard

Blueslady, raised something in her comments yesterday that I am familiar with.

I was reading "Callgirl" today and in it the author talks about how society regards working ladies. the question she asked people was something along the lines of how would you feel if you found out that your child's schoolteacher was a prostitute?

Truthful answer? I would have to meet her before I made any comment, but I would be slightly disturbed about it, and I am a working girl too.

I think it is the "not in my back yard" analogy which applies here.

I understand this, and have raised how I feel about the stigma here.

Why is it that I am okay with what I do, but if I had a daughter, it would not be something that I would be okay with?

How many of you who see escorts, would be comfortable with your daughter or sister coming home, and saying she would like to become an escort?

The truth please.

I have a friend who is an escort, and her daughter is an escort too. I am uncomfortable with it, but have not had the guts to discuss it with her, it is none of my business. Each to their own.I have no right to tell my friend how to bring up her daughter.

*Waits patiently to see who will be open about their double standards*

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One wants children to be innocent of the sad realities of adult life for long enough to have a chance to develop intellectually before they become preoccupied with adult concerns. Sadly this happens much too little for children who grow up in criminal subcultures.

We don't want our children coming home saying they want to be a prison guard, or a garbage collector, though these are honorable occupations and someone has to do them. Probably we don't think they will have happy lives if they do this.

I do not want my novia's daughter, who is a stunningly beautiful girl of 11, to become a prostitute even though she may be well qualified and this may be the best option open to her, because in the long run it would probably get her nowhere.

I don't think having a teacher who is a prostitute would be a problem. I should think that a lot of prostitutes would make good teachers. Maybe they should have a conversion course.

I think society in general wants teachers to be very close to the mid-line, both in their personal beliefs and lifestyle. Here in the US, people would not want their children taught by an agnostic, because they want to put the fear of God into their children, or by a gay teacher, because gayness may be contagious, or by a teacher with lots of tattoos...
Now you have done it Nia. Pandora and her box here we come.

I am ashamed of what I do.
I love my job and won't stop doing this until I am ready, but I won't be telling anyone I do it.
When I retire I will rejoin society and conform to all the things I did before I became a naughty girl.

I used to help out at brownies, I used to be secretary of the PTA, I was on various fund-raising committees and helped out at church. Can you imagine the furore if they had found out that I was working at the same time as helping little tots to go to the toilet/put their coats on/go on trips with the school???

If I found out my kids teacher was a prostitute, I would be sorry I had been given the information.
James B,

Thank you for your comments, and your honesty. I do not think I would have a problem with a teacher who is an escort. However, I think that is because of what I have experienced.


Thank you for your comments, and your honesty. You are not alone. How many escorts do you know, who are willing to march publicly, because they are proud of what they do?

Yes, sadly ,I can imagine the furore if they found out.
My mother knows and she is okay with it with one caveat. As long as I follow a path alongside what Gilette wrote about - a limited number of meaningful compensated relationships - she is happy with me.

If I did more of traditional escorting, she would be absolutely against it. When I think about my hypothetical daughter, I seem to follow the same logic.

I guess, to me it depends on what makes one happy. Sex for sex's sake does not make me happy. Yet I had encounters in this profession that were extremely deep and soul touching even though I will probably never see that person again.

As long as one builds her practice to mostly have such encounters, I am happy with my relative or friend doing that.

Also, upon consideration, if I had a friend who genuinely enjoyed uninhibited sex and chose to become an escort, I'd be fine with that too. It's all about how a person views herself and if she has conflict with what she does. I wouldn't want my daughter to be in a profession she is conflicted about. But if she strongly feels prostitution is the best way for her self-realization and I trusted her choices in the past... I guess I'd have to make adjustments and become okay with it.

Part of my own conflict comes from my desire to be accepted just as I am. And my friends know I am into older men and polyamory. But telling them you are an escort implies that you will sleep with anyone who offers the payment.

And that I guess is the root of it.
I am okay with my own actions and can tell others in my life about it - and will be with those of my daughter - as long as we follow our goals and are truly selective of whom we meet with.
Joanne - is the shame because of society's view of what you do or do you share that view in some way? It's just that 'shame' seems the wrong word if you feel you are doing nothing wrong.

Nia - my daughter an escort? I've often wondered as I try to examine and be honest about my feelings for this area. If I say 'no', that I would be upset at her taking up the work then how do I reconcile that with respecting and valuing those escorts who I know?

Sometimes when she has been broke, saving money to pay debts or to save up and only earning the minimum wage I have thought she could earn a week's wage in an hour as an escort.

But I suppose fathers do have very protective attitudes to their daughters.

I know too the hard parts of the job which is why I would be concerned for her physical and emotional health. However if she did take up such work I hope I would be supportive of her decision as I have tried to be with her all her life.

B xx

Thank you for your comments and your honesty.

You have a liberal mother! I wish I could tell my mother. That is not an option with her Catholic value system, whichever way I presented it to her. You must be the only person I know of, who has told her mother.


Thank you for your comments, and your honesty.

You have examined the issue, and hope that you would be supportive of your daughter.

I pick up from your response, that you cannot guarantee that you would support your daughter, wholehartedly, right?

I understand the discrepancy in your thinking.
I am very lucky with my mother. She had many lovers before and in-between her 3 marriages, and shared a lot of her thoughts, dreams and fears with me as I was growing up.

Now, she shares all.
So, it wasn't very difficult to tell her.
But I fully realize how unique she is in this matter.

A better summarized thought about escorting:
- there are too many ways to do it.
If my daughter leads a balanced life, and views escorting as both a means to have time and money to achieve her goals - and truly likes it - I will support her. If even one of those components isn't present, I would be disturbed and try to do something about it.
I would not want a daughter or sister to become an escort. I would still respect and love them, and try to be supportive, but I would be sad at their choice. Although it works out OK for some (I think you're included, Nia), there are a lot of potential drawbacks. But if my favorite escorts asked my opinion (few do, and I rarely would volunteer it), I might recommend that they leave the business as well, for the same reason. And be quite happy for them if they did. I don't think that reflects any disrespect for escorts, just a recognition that in many cases, this is not a choice to be preferred.

(Of course, it's a bit different here than in the UK because of the whole question of legality.)

So, am I hypocritical? I think not, just as it's not necessarily hypocritical for you not to want a daughter to go into this -- even if it worked out OK for you, you might recognize that the odds are against most entrants to the profession.

There's a secondary question for clients: even if we're not hypocritical, does this imply that we're an "exploiter" -- indirectly encouraging women to do it by adding to the demand. Tougher question, that I think about occasionally.

I believe for some escorts I see, this may not be any worse than routine run-of-the-mill jobs that are sometimes unpleasant -- and while I wouldn't want to see a daughter or sister winding up working the counter at McDonald's, that doesn't make me feel guilty about buying food there. (The high fat content and the low quality, though . . . ) For other escorts, though, it can be much worse than most jobs. Even if I strive to make it a pleasant experience for an escort I see, don't make it any worse for her, and am helping her support herself (and children?) . . . am I an enabler by making it easier for her to continue along a self-destructive path?? And what if I don't recognize which escort fits in which category?

"Why is it that I am okay with what I do, but if I had a daughter, it would not be something that I would be okay with?"

OK, so you most likely know that you sleep with married men (often). And through your life as an escort, you know darn well that men sometimes (perhaps often) drift outside of the bonds of marriage for sexual experiences. You are probably even able to tolerate it and even accept it as a part of life.

Yet if you were married, I seriously doubt that you'd be "OK" if you were to find your husband spending time with an escort...but having been an escort, you know darn well that it is a real possibility that he might find a sexual release in another woman's bed from time to time.

I think we all have out compartments and it is best that we work hard to keep the lids water-tight. Right?
Beau said

"Joanne - is the shame because of society's view of what you do or do you share that view in some way?"

Beau: Duality, baby. Duality. It's not an either-or. Both occupy the same space at the same time. People think thay have the ability to be in one camp or the other (exclusive of one another), but I do not think they truly can.

I think we ALL experience some degree of shame over this activity. Some will say that they do not, but put me in the same room with them, and a few well-pointed questions, and I'm certain I can find the breaking point and expose the truth.

Thank you for your comments, and for your honesty.

I understand what you are saying, fully. Yes, my reservations with a daughter, would be about the drawbacks, too.

One situation where I would regard a client as an exploiter, is where he is with a woman who is trafficked, and he is aware of it.

Yes, without the demand, well


I am not sure that you can hold yourself responsible, for an escort who is on the path to self-destruction.

Can you take any blame when you do not recognise which category, an escort fits into?

You raise important questions.

My experience of what you write, is that you are sensitive, and would not collude with behaviour that you felt was dangerous to another.

Thank you for your comments. Yes, we do have our compartments. G, I think if I was married, and my husband were seeing escorts, I would be fairly tolerant. If you asked me this years ago, I felt differently.


Thank you for your comments, and for stopping by.
I pick up from your response, that you cannot guarantee that you would support your daughter, wholehartedly, right?

I will support my daughter in whatever she decides to do with her life. She's my daughter. I love her. Supporting her in any way I can is what I do.

That is not to say I would recommend she becomes an escort - even though it would help her cash flow problems.

Most of the escorts I have come to know are looking forward to when they are no longer escorts. I would like her to have a career that she was looking forward to continuing to do, not wanting to finish.

Joanne and Cynical both also talk of shame in this work. I would not want my daughter to be ashamed of anything she did. However I would not to be ashamed of her if she took up this line of work. However I know I would not be shouting it from the rooftops.

In a totally different situation my son is in a place that some still find shameful. I'm not prepared to be ashamed of him and make a point of describing the situation and trying to get rid of society's view of the shamefullness of it. I have a seperate blog totally about that.

Perhaps if my daughter chose to be an escort I'd have a blog about that - except she'd kill me!!!!!!

B xx
Cynical says:

"I think we ALL experience some degree of shame over this activity. Some will say that they do not, but put me in the same room with them, and a few well-pointed questions, and I'm certain I can find the breaking point and expose the truth."

I don't think I do, but I keep my activities secret from those who are not in the know for the same reason that I do not trumpet my agnosticism, or atheism, in front of the people I work with who are mostly extremely pious.

What is the point in hurting them by challenging their simpler comfort-bringing beliefs and cherished assumptions and making them sulky and resentful, or jealous, towards me?

I am actually proud of my experiences, because I feel that they have empowered me and given me a kind of karma and self confidence that makes everyday life much easier to deal with. Having known so many beautiful women intimately actually makes me more sympathetic to the women I meet in everyday life, because I do not see them as sex objects, but as mostly as individuals struggling for their own personal survival and that of their children. Of course this makes me a lousy business man, but so be it.
If my mother was alive, I would tell her. Father??? hm....that one would be a toughie. Probably in the end I would and just let him go through his stuff on his way back to accepting me.

My daughters all know about me. I would have no problem if any of my three girls chose this path IF they did it in a way that they did not feel shamed or that caused them any other emotional harm.
By the way, I'm also "cynical". I have two blogger accounts (just one blog though).

Thank you for your comments, and your honesty.

It must be a relief for you, that your daughters know.
I wouldn't like it if my daughter was an escort, but I wouldn't care if my friend was. I too have double standards.

I'm wondering if that whole 'daughter thing' falls into one of those categories whereby you want your children to always have better than you have. What parent wouldn't prefer their daughter to become a doctor versus and escort?

I don't think that I would care what my kids teacher does in her spare time. I'm sure that many teachers sleep around. It's the clever ones that get paid for it! As long as her private life wasn't interfering with her professional (school) life and she was not sleeping with minors, I wouldn't care.
Jd's rose,

Thank you for your comments, and for stopping by.

I am not a parent, however I understand what you are saying.

There are lots of things that I have done in life, that I would not like my daughter to experience, if I had one.
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